Happy New Year!!!

There is no new year without you... there is no new day. Life is just going on without a night or day. I don't know what to live for anymore, I don't know what to exceed. I don’t know why I did what I did all those years I don’t know what else I missed. The time should have shared with you being your daughter I was playing other roles. And now when you are not there I don’t know what role to play. 

It is a strange feeling to be crying so much lately and you not there to share this moment with me. Oh I could give away the worlds for you to be here with me right now crying along with me and wiping my tears off too. I can still feel the warmth of your hands on my skin; I can still feel its smoothness. 

I want you to be here with me worrying for me, worrying yourself sick, I don’t like the darkness or stillness you are in, I want you here with me sick and unhappy, in pain but here with me. I want to wake up to your voice giving me a list of chores to start my day off I want you to threaten me. I want you to scold me for being lazy and uncaring. I want you to be fighting with me for trivial things. I want you to be with me. I want to hear your voice; I want you to see your face, I just want you here somewhere in the house give me a sense of peace and security.

Without you I feel like I sleep uncovered under an open sky, without you I feel unprotected, without you it seems there’s no one behind me when I look around! God I thought you were so weak yet you were my strength! I never noticed what you meant to me when you where there and now when you are not here, not one day is complete. 

I know you must be worried for us wherever you are but I’ll begin this year with a promise to you that this coming year and all the years after this, I’ll take care of your family just like you wanted to take care of us. I’ll become the wall that you were. Don’t worry about us… you be at peace wherever you are, remember you’ve left me behind and you know how good I am at changing roles? I’m ready to begin 2010 as you Ma!

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